NPS Basics: Understanding the Need for Balance
- Mar 27
- 4 min read
In exploring the concepts of Nurture, Play, and Structure (NPS), one of the most important takeaways is the idea of balance—and more specifically, the order in which these elements are meant to exist in our lives. The NPS Chart: An Introduction offers a simple yet powerful framework that helps us better understand ourselves, our relationships, and how we interact with the world.
Why Order Matters: Nurture → Play → Structure
The sequence of Nurture, Play, and Structure is not arbitrary—it reflects a natural and healthy progression of human experience. We begin with Nurture, because it forms the foundation of safety. When we feel safe enough to be our authentic selves, we create the conditions necessary for the next stage: Play. Play allows us to experience joy, curiosity, and imagination. It also gives us the energy to do the work of life, the Structure. Finally, we arrive at Structure, which is how we communicate our needs and express our inner world outwardly.
In unhealthy systems, Structure is often prioritized first—through rules, expectations, and obligations. However, when Structure comes before Nurture and Play, it can lead to disconnection and rigidity rather than authentic expression. As you'll read below, it also leads to "Destructive Reactions."
Understanding Nurture: The Foundation of Safety
Nurture is about feeling safe to be who you truly are. But to receive nurture, you must first understand what you need.
Attachment Theory identifies four essential needs that all humans share throughout their lives:
To know you are loved
We need reminders—from others and ourselves—that we are valued and cared for.
To know you are protected
Safety comes from trusting that others have our best interests at heart. We all need to know that someone considers us, plans for us, and aims to protect us.
To know you are nourished
This begins with the physical care of feeding in infancy and evolves into emotional validation, encouragement, and support for who we are becoming and what we have experienced.
To receive healthy touch
Safe, appropriate physical connection helps regulate our nervous system and fosters emotional bonding through the release of hormones, such as oxytocin.
When these needs are met, we feel grounded and secure. From that place, authenticity becomes possible. These needs being met are a criterion for experiencing intimate trust (the safety to be our authentic selves) in our relationships.
The Role of Play: Discovering Joy
Once we feel nurtured, we naturally move into Play.
Play invites us to ask:
What do I want?
What brings me joy?
Play is where aspiration lives. It allows us to dream, imagine, and explore possibilities beyond our current reality. At the same time, it anchors us in the present moment, helping us feel alive and engaged.
Without nurture, play can feel unsafe or indulgent. But with a strong foundation, play becomes a vital source of creativity and meaning. And, it gives us energy to do the work life requires.
Structure: Expression and Communication
Structure comes last—but that doesn’t make it unimportant. In fact, Structure is how we bring Nurture and Play into the real world.
Structure answers questions like:
How do I communicate my needs?
How do others understand my boundaries and expectations?
Our structure shows up in many ways:
How we communicate verbally and nonverbally
Our reactions to rules and expectations
The way we organize our environments
The consistency (or inconsistency) in our behaviors
When rooted in Nurture and Play, Structure becomes a healthy expression of self. It allows us to clearly communicate what we need to feel safe and what brings us joy.
Productive vs. Destructive Patterns
A key distinction within the NPS framework is the difference between Productive Actions and Destructive Reactions.
Productive Action (Nurture-led):
When we intentionally name and meet our needs, we create meaningful, relational experiences. We feel connected—to ourselves and others.
Destructive Reaction (Structure-led):
When Structure is prioritized without awareness of underlying needs, it often leads to obligation, rigidity, and transactional relationships. Instead of connection, we experience pressure and disconnection.
The reality is that our Nurture needs (Love, Protection, Nourishment, and Healthy Touch) are determined to be met across our lifetimes. When we can name our needs in healthy relationships, we call this taking productive action on being authentic and being in healthy relationships with others. Unfortunately, too often, we will act from a sense of obligation and become performative to others. When we do this, we are prioritizing Structure. Our subconscious mind will still strive to have our unmet Nurture needs met. The problem is that our subconscious will find the easiest and generally most destructive way of meeting these needs.
Consider the case of someone who feels unappreciated, invalidated, or unheard. Often, when this is the case, the need for nourishment is going unmet. What does the subconscious mind remember as nourishment as a child? Feeding. So, the mind says, put something in my body. We can trace many addictive behaviors (alcohol, drugs, food, etc.) to the unmet need for nourishment. Thus, substance use becomes a Destructive Reaction.
Bringing It All Together
The NPS model reminds us that balance isn’t just about having all three elements—it’s about honoring their proper order.
Nurture creates safety
Play invites joy and possibility
Structure communicates and expresses both
When we start with Nurture, we build a life—and relationships—that are grounded in authenticity, enriched by joy, and supported by clear, healthy communication.
The challenge, and the opportunity, is to regularly check in with ourselves:
Am I feeling nurtured?
Am I allowing space for play?
Is my structure reflecting my true needs and desires?
Balance begins with awareness—and grows through intentional practice.
Phillip Bass, MDiv, ThM, MA, NCLCMHC, NCC,
Licensed Qualified Supervisor
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